Monday

This exercise was supposed to make me afraid to eat things because I'd have to write them down. But somehow I am able to keep that fear far from my mind while I happily eat the worst of things.

It's Erik's fault. He's on deadline and wants to eat out all the time (with help from me...).


Today:
Decaf coffee with coconut milk creamer
1 Flax waffle
Blackened catfish with a small serving of rice and a big side of salad
AND QUESO AND CHIPS
Some of Erik's root beer...too much of it
Peach-mango tea with lemonade in it...too much of it
FRIED OYSTERS
1/2 Piece of CORN BREAD
3 HUSH PUPPIES
Salad
BANANA PUDDING

Wednesday, Thursday & Friday

Erik has been working overtime to meet an important deadline on Monday. That has meant very little time off from my baby critter, but he is still a wonderful help when he can be. This is all relevant because I generally gather ingredients and chop things throughout the day in preparation for dinner, but then usually Baby freaks out and I'm unable to cook, so Erik will finish up, throwing it all together into some kind of meal. However, I am proud that I was able to make two dinners (mostly by myself) before noon two days in a row. Heeeellloooo, Crockpot! I never knew dinner could be so easy (and "tender"). I found what I think may have been the only two recipes in my Crockpot cookbook that didn't call for cream of mushroom soup. Aces.


Wednesday's Food Journal:
Decaf coffee (I think... I seriously can't remember)
Wheat chex of some sort...maybe?
An apple I think
Can of tuna with mayo and relish
Dark chocolate (I'm sure of it)
Beef with carrots and potatoes Crockpot Goodness


Thursday:
Same as above but with Chicken Provencal Crockpot Goodness for dinner


Friday:
Decaf coffee
Crockpot leftovers (the chicken one)
Fried oysters, cornbread, salad, couple of hushpuppies (from our favorite seafood dive)
Decaf soy cappuccino
Half a piece of tiramisu, few bites of other's desserts...
Decaf soy cappuccino (yes, two)


Today:
2 breakfast tacos (egg, bean and cheese on flour)
Decaf cap
Vegetarian Mediterranean plate (hummus, pita, falafel, salad)
Baklava (damn, forgot I had that...)
Jr. Mints & popcorn (watched a movie at home - have I mentioned my Jr. Mints addiction?)


Tomorrow:
Iceberg for breakfast
Ice for lunch
Air for dinner
And Jr. Mints

Potluck Poison

OMG. Did I do that? I went to a potluck last night, loading my plate with mostly meats and veggies, avoiding the many breads and pasta dishes, only to have an entire plate of dessert - chocolate cake, and...another piece of a different chocolate red velvet cake and some kind of tea bread. Then I went to my grief group (the potluck was with all the different grief groups - I belong to Motherless Daughters), and on the way OUT, I had a different piece of tea bread and an Argentinian sugar cookie that someone insist I have since she proudly brought them.

Because I had not been in that setting since I was pregnant, I literally did not even think twice about what I was eating. When I was pregnant, I totally gave myself a free pass most of the time (except toward the end when I was trying to control how big the baby was getting - I cut out milkshakes and ice cream - big deal). And so I think I was just actually forgetting that I was watching my weight, until I got to the car and then I realized how disgusting I felt (and was). And then this morning I remembered again how disgusting I was having eaten all of that dessert. Instead of being like, "Damn, I shouldn't have eaten that", I should have been like, "Damn, I shouldn't have eaten that - my one goal of the day is to go on a walk!". But no, it was the last thought of the day, and as I looked outside, I saw the sun quickly going down, and one does not walk in my neighborhood (yet) when it's dark.

I had a nice reminder today of how much trouble I put myself through to clothe this overweight body. I have bought 4 maxi dresses from Target online - one in every color (you can't get them in the store - look them up - they are fab). And I took an infant to the tailor today to have a $25 dress hemmed (it hits the floor on me like 3 times over), and the hem will probably be $15. As if that's not ridiculous enough, the pitiful part is that I bought this dress because it has a very deep V-neck from which I hope to be able to breastfeed, but even more than that, I bought it because it goes all the way to the floor, hiding all my flaws and patiently waiting for me to either lose weight or stay the same. The last color that I bought was a size small - not because I am hopeful for the future, but because I waited too long to buy it (being hesitant that it was in red), and they ran out of my size. So now I have a "small" red dress that will look great for the holidays if I fit in it by then...so now is when I need to start seeing that as a small goal. BTW, the dresses run very big, so my original hope was that the small would maybe be just a little smaller and allow me to wear it pretty soon. But I am keeping it in the package and will open it only when I have made noticeable progress.

Oh, and did I mention that my infant screamed the whole time because she had to sit in her car seat while I had my dress pinned for hemming? And then I almost got in a fight with some big lady that was practically trying to take her out of her carseat as I told her that she was fine, THANK YOU...BACK THE F$%* OFF? My punishment for being ridiculous. Otherwise I would just be fitting into my maternity pants like every other new mother I know. Too bad I won't be caught dead in pants right now - you'd think I'd be doing more to change that.


Yesterday's Food Journal:
Decaf coffee with coconut milk-based creamer (yea! they finally have something other than dairy or soy!)
Whole wheat chex-kind of cereal (but organic with very little sugar)
1 Peppermint Pattie (have I mentioned my Jr. Mint addiction...OMG, make it stop)
Crazy potluck meal - meatballs, random veggie casseroles...
Most disgusting dessert plate ever
Hot red raspberry leaf tea

Monday

I think we set a world record this weekend on the amount of fried food we ate. The weekend started off with some of the best fried oysters I've ever had, compliments of our neighborhood seafood dive. And then the usual breakfast tacos and coffee (not fried, thank goodness). But then we had hot dogs and hand-dipped (fried) corn dogs (from a hip hot dog place in town), BBQ and pancakes. So I guess not everything was fried, but it seemed like it. At some point Erik turned to me and asked if we could aim to not eat something fried for our next meal. Maybe that was the meal I decided to pass on the fried ice cream...? Yummmm....

All in all, I was pretty bad. I continued to be bad today. At some point, I realized that I was looking a little thinner in the face, and ridiculously, that always seems like a pass for me to be bad instead of motivation for me to keep it up. So whatever little progress I made, I surely stumped it with my past week/end.


Today
Leftover salmon with veggies
Handful of Jr. Mints (don't ask - recent addiction that's returned)
Few squares of dark chocolate (70%)
Spinach salad with ranch dressing (and veggies, sunflower seeds, some grapes)
Green bean salad
Some random samples from Whole Foods (turtle cheesecake, vanilla cookie)
Hot red raspberry leaf tea with a drop of honey

Ummm...I'm kind of sucking.

Yesterday I reported that I ate sautéed squash and flounder for dinner. But I wrote that before we actually had dinner, and that is not what we had. Instead, we had the beet orzo AGAIN and Caesar salad with spinach (AGAIN). And then I had some hot tea (with nothing in it). I felt the need to correct that because I had a highly sugary and carby meal instead of the one I reported. We still have a ton of it left, and now Erik can't eat it because we have discovered that maybe instead of suspecting blood in his urine and stool (I know!), that he may be part of the 40% of the population that experiences pink/red pee and poo after eating beets. Too bad the Dr. said to give the beets a break so that we can tell if that's what it is - it was just getting fun (so pink!).

Also, I did not walk last night. I did not walk today. I did not walk tonight. Though it has been threatening to rain all night (it rained today), I know I could have gone and still I chose not to. Instead I chose to catch-up on email and blogging while my hubster had Stella, and to eat a rose cream (my absolute favorite), and to have a glass of iced tea with part limeade. Even now, Erik has Stella and I could be doing a yoga DVD or something, but instead I am blogging about how unmotivated I am after not having been on track for over a week (after having only walked for like 3 days in a row before that. So f'ing lame! I am just not that busy!).

And of course, here comes the weekend. Not only do I give myself a pass on the weekend to eat whatever (moderately), but I also pass on the exercise, too, because I hate spending the time I have with Erik and Stella as a family away from them. But I don't know... Instead of sending Erik to buy breakfast tacos and coffee from our neighborhood coffee shop this weekend, maybe I'll fast-walk there myself (and have him come get me so I don't have to carry back two cappacinos...?).


Today's Food Journal:
Decaf with cream
1 Hardboiled egg
Beet orzo (and we STILL have some left...Lord)
4 (?) Squares of 70% dark chocolate (usually it's 85% but I splurged)
Flounder with chili lime sauce, coconut rice (with sugar) and steamed carrots and broccoli
1 Rose cream
1 Iced tea with limeade

Holiday Weekend

So I basically made a very convenient rule of eating whatever I want on the weekends and not having to record it. Needless to say, this past weekend was a holiday weekend, so not only was it filled with hanging out with people and eating things I wouldn't usually eat, but it was also a longer weekend (one extra day of fun for me!). I didn't binge or anything, but I certainly wasn't being good. We had a potluck on Saturday, and all the yummy scones, cookies and brownies that weren't eaten were left at our place. I was pretty much grabbing a cookie whenever I wanted. While this doesn't make up for it AT ALL, we tended to eat fewer meals this weekend because of strange sleep schedules and just being unorganized. One meal was actually leftover crudités from the party - not so bad, right? The problem is that I think I'm already not getting enough calories, and the ones I'm getting lately are not good calories. While it may even out with the count, it doesn't even out blood-sugar-wise.

Leading up to the party, we did some projects around the house that took the place of my walks. So it's been a good 7 days that I haven't walked (because I also didn't walk last night and it's probably going to rain tonight). If the weather cooperates tonight, I will try to get back in the saddle. If not, then maybe we'll give it a go in the AM (but definitely some time tomorrow).

The five challenges of walking lately:
1) It's too hot during the actual daytime (still over 100 degrees), 2) We sleep too late in the AM sometimes and miss the cool part of the day, 3) She won't walk for longer than 5-10 mins in the stroller and another 5-10 minutes on me, and I can't walk fast when she's on me (like in a sling), 4) If we do ANYTHING else in the evening, then it takes the daylight and kills my walk, 5) If Erik can't watch her, I can't go.

Some days I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think that my face seems a tiny bit thinner. And then some days I am still utterly disgusted with my profile (or even straight-on). My arms should be a real test for me because they have NEVER been fat before and they are pretty fat now. It seems like it's probably a pretty easy place for me to lose weight, so maybe I'll watch them more closely. However, I've read that doing arm exercises can hinder or even stop milk production, so maybe the arm fat is related to breastfeeding/pregnancy somehow, and hence, may stick around until I'm done? Who knows...

Yesterday's Food Journal:
Serving of flax waffles (2 frozen waffles)
Crudités (raw veggies with ranch dressing)
Beet orzo and Caesar salad with spinach
1 Lemon iced cookie
1/2 chocolate rose cream (can you tell we watched a movie)


Today:
Cup of decaf with cream (leftover from the party...we'll see how it sits with Stella)
1 hardboiled egg
1 fish taco on a flour tortilla, and the inner contents of another without a tortilla
Salad
Flounder with sautéed squash
And will probably have some dark chocolate before the night is through

It's Going Well

I realize that mostly anything I like or dislike about my looks often starts with my weight. If I am at my ideal weight and I have a bad hair day, it's just not that bad. But if I have a bad hair day when I'm chubbed-out, it ruins my day - I feel incredibly ugly. I also realize that my taste is completely different from what I'm usually able to actually wear. I often walk out of a store with a purchase that better suits my figure rather than one that I actually like. For this same reason, it's impossible for me to shop at thrift stores - I have to have a very specific cut of clothes or it just doesn't work. But my personality is much more bohemian and airy, and I am a thriftaholic, so it's not much fun when my body limits my clothes options. I also tend to wear more make-up when I'm overweight. When I'm thinnner, I prefer the natural look, and I can just dab on some lip stuff and feel great. But when I'm chubby, I feel like I have to bring out my eyes and my lips to distract from the rest.

Today I went to get my haircut after not having it cut since...October! Many things play into why I went so long, but the neglect is actually besides the point. What I have been discovering since I was pregnant is that my hair is growing out straight - something I always wanted but now I don't. It's so flat and the body of my hair has always shaped my very round face. The flat straight hair just makes me look chubbier! So the stylist did what she could to show me that there are many tricks to making straight hair full-looking, but she failed to convince me. I looked totally lame when I left there, not to mention the fact that she used three things I don't use (some I don't even own): a hair dryer, a curling iron and hair spray. The other sad thing is that I've been growing it out for literally years (slow growing hair), and she had to take most of it off because it was so "tired". Short flat hair...at least it could have been long and flat, but now it's SHORT and flat.

Now I feel like the pressure is really on. While slow and steady still wins the race with weight, I feel like I'm racing my hair to grow out, needing to be thinner before it's grows more flat with each passing day! What could be more ridiculous, you say? I admit, not much. But such is the obsession/anxiety of being unhappy with my weight - it affects everything.

Sadly I am finding that I don't always have "free" time (free hands, really) everyday to enter in my journal, but I want to do it daily, so I'll work on it.

Today:
Decaf coffee with rice milk
1 hardboiled egg
Handful of grapes
1 can of tuna with mayo added (I was heading for salad when I found a worm...)
Half a serving of salt & vinegar potato chips
Salad with grilled zucchini and portabelo
Half of a chocolate rose truffle (hubbie bought them for me...my favorite)
Lots of water and decaf iced tea

Also, I didn't get my full 30-45 minute walk in today, but I did walk in 2-15 minute stretches to a friend's house and back in 100 degree weather with a baby strapped to me, so I think that burned a few calories. Last night I walked for over 45 minutes - it was heaven!