Potluck Poison

OMG. Did I do that? I went to a potluck last night, loading my plate with mostly meats and veggies, avoiding the many breads and pasta dishes, only to have an entire plate of dessert - chocolate cake, and...another piece of a different chocolate red velvet cake and some kind of tea bread. Then I went to my grief group (the potluck was with all the different grief groups - I belong to Motherless Daughters), and on the way OUT, I had a different piece of tea bread and an Argentinian sugar cookie that someone insist I have since she proudly brought them.

Because I had not been in that setting since I was pregnant, I literally did not even think twice about what I was eating. When I was pregnant, I totally gave myself a free pass most of the time (except toward the end when I was trying to control how big the baby was getting - I cut out milkshakes and ice cream - big deal). And so I think I was just actually forgetting that I was watching my weight, until I got to the car and then I realized how disgusting I felt (and was). And then this morning I remembered again how disgusting I was having eaten all of that dessert. Instead of being like, "Damn, I shouldn't have eaten that", I should have been like, "Damn, I shouldn't have eaten that - my one goal of the day is to go on a walk!". But no, it was the last thought of the day, and as I looked outside, I saw the sun quickly going down, and one does not walk in my neighborhood (yet) when it's dark.

I had a nice reminder today of how much trouble I put myself through to clothe this overweight body. I have bought 4 maxi dresses from Target online - one in every color (you can't get them in the store - look them up - they are fab). And I took an infant to the tailor today to have a $25 dress hemmed (it hits the floor on me like 3 times over), and the hem will probably be $15. As if that's not ridiculous enough, the pitiful part is that I bought this dress because it has a very deep V-neck from which I hope to be able to breastfeed, but even more than that, I bought it because it goes all the way to the floor, hiding all my flaws and patiently waiting for me to either lose weight or stay the same. The last color that I bought was a size small - not because I am hopeful for the future, but because I waited too long to buy it (being hesitant that it was in red), and they ran out of my size. So now I have a "small" red dress that will look great for the holidays if I fit in it by then...so now is when I need to start seeing that as a small goal. BTW, the dresses run very big, so my original hope was that the small would maybe be just a little smaller and allow me to wear it pretty soon. But I am keeping it in the package and will open it only when I have made noticeable progress.

Oh, and did I mention that my infant screamed the whole time because she had to sit in her car seat while I had my dress pinned for hemming? And then I almost got in a fight with some big lady that was practically trying to take her out of her carseat as I told her that she was fine, THANK YOU...BACK THE F$%* OFF? My punishment for being ridiculous. Otherwise I would just be fitting into my maternity pants like every other new mother I know. Too bad I won't be caught dead in pants right now - you'd think I'd be doing more to change that.


Yesterday's Food Journal:
Decaf coffee with coconut milk-based creamer (yea! they finally have something other than dairy or soy!)
Whole wheat chex-kind of cereal (but organic with very little sugar)
1 Peppermint Pattie (have I mentioned my Jr. Mint addiction...OMG, make it stop)
Crazy potluck meal - meatballs, random veggie casseroles...
Most disgusting dessert plate ever
Hot red raspberry leaf tea